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Have you ever seen a happier blogosphere couple than Tim Tebow and Erin Andrews? I recently spotted websites that sport a snapshot of them being giddy on a TV stage outside Ben Hill Griffin Stadium. He, the dashing and youthful Heisman-winning Gators quarterback; she, the UF journalism school alumna and ever-present TV sideline reporter. They seem so joyous in each other's presence. I'll bet with the right adapter equipment, a Chevy Avalanche could coast 800 miles off the power of their pearly smiles.
The photo exudes such wholesomeness it reminded me of a line once said by Stephen Root while playing billionaire Jimmy James in the under-appreciated '90s sitcom NewsRadio: "He's so normal he makes Richie Cunningham look like a crack-smoking porn freak."
I'll go so far as to say this: If, heaven forbid, circumstances evolved to where we needed two people with which to repopulate our species, I nominate Tebow and Andrews.
OK, I realize not everyone outside of Gainesville would be excited about Gator Nation becoming Gator Planet. That's why I decided to take a stab at compiling a list of potential Adams and Eves from major athletic programs from around the country. What can I say? Genetics is a bit of a side hobby of mine.
Think of this exercise as a spin-off of Cormac McCarthy's The Road, but with tailgating. Or this article could be for the benefit of alien races that have tapped into our Internet and have a Google alert set for "NewsRadio and Cormac McCarthy." The aliens can gather these couples together, force them to breed, then 18 or 20 years from now hold gladiator combat tournaments in the arena pits of death that dot their leisure starcruisers. Yes, I like to think up practical applications for the results of the scattered showers that are my brainstorms.
So, in no particular order, here are my candidates. After that, it's your turn: Who would you want to put in Dr. Strangelove's Post-Apocalyptic Love Bunker?
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| The football games and campus are cool, but everyone knows why it's great to go to Florida State. (AP) |
Florida State
Gabrielle Reece and Derrick Brooks. Yeah, it was a toss-up between the volleyball star and Seminoles pin-up queen Jenn Sterger. But I gave Reece the tiebreaker for a record of actual athletic accomplishment. Maybe Sterger could be maid of honor in some pre-"seal the bunker for the next 100 years" ceremony.
Nebraska
Warren Buffet and ... well, it doesn't matter. He's so rich he probably already has an underground bunker and an army of Cornhuskers Fembots at the ready.
Notre Dame
Brady Quinn and Condoleezza Rice (she got master's degree there in poli sci). He's a freak of nature thanks to EAS sports shakes; she would have the highest security clearance in Dick Cheney's bunker. Heck, she might even know how to change the code before he got in.
Kentucky
Ashley Judd and Jamal Mashburn. Or pick any other Wildcats basketball player if you like. Judd could have Jimmy Hoffa and Osama bin Laden standing next to her at Rupp Arena, and no one would notice. Why should the post-apocalypse be any different?
Southern Cal
Heisman-winning quarterback Matt Leinart and women's basketball player Brynn Cameron. Actually, those two are already ahead of the curve on this exercise.
Auburn
Charles Barkley and any Alabama homecoming queen. Hey, if Barkley ever wants to be governor of Alabama, he needs to be prepared to reach across the aisle.
Tennessee
Peyton Manning and Pat Summitt. Just because she's older than the Volunteer State itself, don't think she's too old to carry Peytie-Pie's love child. Even when it comes to biology, Summitt doesn't know the meaning of the word impossible.
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| Finch was a bit surprised when Bush asked, "You play with those big balls, right?" (Getty Images) |
Arizona
Jennie Finch and Terry Francona. If Francona can break something as bleak as the Curse of Bambino, this would be like rolling in a field of yellow daisies.
Stanford
Tiger Woods and Michelle Wie. Of course, Wie would still have to cope with the fact that as one of the last two survivors on the planet, she still can't win a men's tournament.
Texas
Jenna Bush and Chris Simms. Even if they have nothing else in common, they can spend the years talking about all the goofy things their dads used to say on TV.
Miami
Gloria Estefan and Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. With our luck, their kids would get her athletic ability and his singing voice.
LSU
Shaquille O'Neal and Seimone Augustus. Hey, what a coincidence -- they were each No. 1 overall draft picks of their respective professional basketball leagues. If this pairing happens, that means the WNBA survived the apocalypse and you didn't. Look who has the last laugh.
Duke
Any random Raleigh stripper and a lacrosse player. Because who said a couple of crazy kids from different sides of the tracks can't find love in this world?
Michigan
Tom Brady and Ann Coulter. After all those years around uptight Bill Belichick, listening to the conspiracy theories of his new Michigan Law School grad hook-up might seem relaxing in contrast.
North Carolina
Mia Hamm and Michael Jordan. Of course, this is contingent on Gatorade inventing a line of infant formulas for then to promote.
Georgia
Colleen Haskell and Knowshon Moreno. Remember her? She survived Survivor years ago and that stupid Rob Schneider movie The Animal. I don't know if she'll be taking a DVD copy of that movie into the vault, though.
Northwestern
Rachel Nichols and J.A. Adande. The first step for their toddlers is to elevate the level of intelligence of a typical Around the Horn conversation.
West Virginia
Adam Jones and TBD. After a nuclear winter, we need someone who can make it rain in any way possible. Good luck finding someone to go in there with him for free though.
UCLA
Troy Aikman and Mayim Bialik. I just wanted to throw in a Blossom reference.
Rutgers
Don Imus and any women's basketball player. OK, I know Imus is not a Rutgers alum. I just wanted to prove a point that if he did sneak into the bunker and survive the apocalypse like a cockroach, the ladies can invoke the line, "Not if you were the last man on earth."