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The Detroit Tigers have gone back into a slump after seemingly breaking out of it, losing their last 4 games including being unable to overcome a wildly off-target Daisuke Matsuzaka yesterday. Manager Jim Leyland has vowed big changes to the roster and the lineup in the coming days in hopes of breaking his team out of their offensive funk. His first move was designating veteran outfielder Jacque Jones for assignment after a disappointing start to the year. His assignment, learn to play a different sport, because baseball is not his thing. Gary Sheffield will also go from DH to playing the outfield, as Leyland hopes to recapture the glory of his play circa 1997.
"We've got to get better," said Leyland. "Having amazing hitters at every spot in our lineup is making us too predictable. We need to add some real curveballs in there that are going to make people wonder what's coming next. We are going to do away with the shortstop position here, and create a new position for a tight end. I've seen what they can do in the NFL, both blocking and scoring, so hopefully that can help us out. I hear Jeremy Shockey may be available, so that would be a real help to us. Also, Miguel Cabrera is not scaring anyone anymore on the basepaths, so we've got approval from the commisioner to have him round the bases in a 1990 Buick LaSabre. It's going to make steals very easy, as no one will want to block the plate with a car coming at him, and he'll be tough to pick off, especially if he has the windows rolled up."
Another big change in the field at Comerica Park is the addition of a .50 caliber mounted machine gun behind home plate. It will be for use by Ivan Rodriguez, who has had trouble throwing out baserunners this season. Hopefully with the help of a 200 bullet per minute, Pudge can now deter base stealers. We'll have to see what these changes have on the Tigers, and if they can finally put together some victories because of it.
The Sports Comedian
SportsComedian.com
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