Back by popular demand:
Summary of Bible-
by Pura Vida
Book I- The creation:
In the beginning was God. God knew all and was all powerwful. He knew the past, present and future. God creates the Universe (hundreds of billions of galaxies each with a hundred billions stars) for the purpose of creating life on one tiny planet- earth.
God created man from dust (is that better than goo?) and woman from one of man's ribs. Although God knew the future and knew what man would do, he put a tree full of forbidden fruit in the garden. God told man he must not eat from it (but God knew he would because he knows the future- kind of sadistic really, but hey who am I to judge?)
A serpent tempts the woman to eat the apple. Why god created the serpent nobody knows. Maybe God wanted man to fail. Why provide the opportunity to fall and create the evil serpent to tempt, if God didnt want man to fall (which God already knew he would fail because he knows the future). Man eats the forbidden apple and god condems all of human kind for their sins. (Billions and billions of people suffere because of one persons choice....thats not fair!)
Book II - the flood
Man falls from grace and is consumed by sin. Man multiplies and widespread immorality covers the earth. This angers god and he has no choice to kill them all......except Noah's family because they are good. I mean face it, Drowning every infant and toddler on the planet is just mercy because now they are with God. See- GOD IS LOVING. Anyway, God tells that family to build an ark and to gather two of every animal. Its a magic ark because Gods book says it was only 540 feet long, yet it held about 50,000 species of animals and 1 million species of insects and all the food they required for over 6 months. There is no way one family could clean the excrement of 50,000 animals, so God had the animals poo overboard.
The flood recedes and the Ark lands. Noah gets out and sacrifices animals to god....the animals he was supposed to save- DOH. Talk about a homer simpson moment. God tells noah, I will never kill every man with a flood again and changes the properties of either water or light so that when light passes through water vapor it refracts into the colors of the rainbow. NIFTY TRICK! The rainbow is now Gods promise to never again kill everyone with a flood. Floods continue to kill people (remember the tsunami) so maybe God was fibbing just a bit.
Book III- God isnt done killing yet.
Evidently, Gods flood didnt purify the human race like it was suppose to (you'd think God would have known that since he saw the future, I guess he lovingly killed millions for the pure love of it). Man has spread like a malignant growth again. God chooses a group of followers. He gives them a book of laws and ten commandments. These are the most important laws. (For some reason, Thou shall not rape, commit incest or enslave men made the list....I guess God doesnt think those laws are very important)
God helps his people escape egypt and then helps them smite their enemies. With God's approval and assistance, his chosen people slaughter millions and enslave their enemies' children and women. God lets his chosen people rape the women because he is a generous God. (Maybe thats why he didnt make that a commandment).
Book IV- The bet
God and the devil get together and decide to bet on a man named Job's faith. The devil evolved from the serpent that god created in the beginning (Im still not sure why he created an advisary). Anyway, with God's permission, the Devil kills all of Jobs family and takes away all his money. Then Job has to live in a whale for three whole days.....wait thats jonah- my bad I just wanted an excuse to list this site- hilarious http://www.christiananswers.net/q-eden/edn-t004.html
Anyway God ruins Job's life but wins the bet. Alls well that ends well.
Book V- Killings getting old
About this time God is tired of condemning his people to hell for their sins and tired of murdering them. It was fun at first, but it is getting old. So, he decided to get an earth bound girl pregnant. He saw Zues do it with hercules and it worked out...so why not? God's son grows up with almost no fan fare. I think it is kind of like harry potter- he didnt know he had magic powers until he was 12.
Anyway, God's son gets some followers and starts to get rebellious as children tend to do. Instead of killing, he preaches mercy. When one woman is to be stoned to death according to gods law, Jesus stops it and forgives her. That had to tick daddy off. Kids just dont listen these days!
Jesus says the only way to spend eternity with my murderous father is to believe in me as his son. If you do that your sins are washed away. You see- this is better because now God doesnt have to kill millions anymore. This upsets Jesus's daddy because Daddy likes to kill sinners. God needs blood, always has always will, so instead of killing millions because they are sinful- he kills his son. (If God knew the future, he knew we'd need a savior because he knew we would eat the apple....so why wait so long?) (Why does anyone have to die?) (Why is it that if I sin, my punishment is eternity in hel- but Jesus is able to pay my price without serving any time in hel-??)
Three days later, Jesus comes back to earth to show that his daddy didnt really finish him off. He got the idea of ressurecting from a bunch of pagan gods that had claimed to be ressurected before he was born. Then he promises he will come back in give or take several milenia.
Book V- epilogue
Jesus' followers go on to tell us that he will come back again. When Jesus comes back, he's going to gather all of his believers and take them to heaven. The reason he is going to do this is because God hasnt killed in thousands of years and he will be due! He wont flood us again, but expect plenty of fire and 'hell on earth'
Churches sprout up following God and his son. They honor their God by following his example and killing millions in his name. They get to hate homosexuals as a bonus.
THE END
