Craziness goes on behind curtain as coaches play musical chairs

Things are seldom what they seem,
Skim milk masquerades as cream;
Highlows pass as patent leathers;
Jackdaws strut in peacock's fathers.

As it was in the Gilbert and Sullivan classic musical HMS Pinafore, sleight of hand is the name of the game -- and in coaching, the game is big indeed.

Arkansas' dramatic coaching search ends with Bobby Petrino returning to the college ranks. (AP)

At this writing, 16 coaches have been fired or are moving on to a better standard of living. Eight spots are filled. Michigan is at the top of the wishing list, rummaging for a new coach. There was no reason for Lloyd Carr to announce his resignation so early. Carr said he was doing what was in the best interest of Michigan, but I've yet to hear a tenable argument for the timing of that move. It's been nearly a month and the Wolverines have yet to find their man.

In the Big Blue's defense, it has been nearly 69 years since Michigan has had to conduct a search for a head coach. You have to go back to the days of Herbert O. Crisler -- "Fritz" was lured to Michigan from Princeton in 1938 -- to find anything resembling an actual search outside the Michigan family. The rust shows. The Wolverines struck out in attempts to lure the "hot" candidates.

Here are two basic rules to hiring coaches in today's market: Timing is everything, and keep your mouth shut so as not to stick your foot in it. There's the Les Miles out clause, or a case of "eyes wide shut." The Miles deal crashed and burned -- helped by media ballyhoo of a secret deal being in the works. Michigan then tried to lure Rutgers' Greg Schiano. He's not leaving in the midst of building a powerhouse. Anyway, I'm told he didn't cotton to how things operate in Meecheegan and wants no part of it. Now, Brian Kelly of Cincinnati's powerhouse is said to have the inside track.

Another prominent program is UCLA, which just axed Karl Dorrell, who was under contract until 2011. Reports have Dorrell on Duke's campus interviewing for the Blue Devils' vacated head-coaching position.

Meandering from the north and the West Coast, let's land in Arkansas, known for its symbols: the mockingbird and Bill Clinton. Houston Nutt is, or was, starring in an episode of All My Children. The drama actually started two seasons ago, when Nutt made a deal -- a high school coach, Gus Malzahn, came over, wagging five-star QB Mitch Mustain behind him. Malzahn touts a wide-open offense. Nutt wanted to use the talents of Darren McFadden and Felix Jones. Nutt wins and loses.

Page forward one year, as Nutt finishes knocking off the No. 1 team and his Heisman candidate meanders for a couple hundred yards. And Nutt is still handed his hat? Publicly, we know Houston took the high road, but trust me when I tell you this one was a lot like making sausage -- you really don't want to know what goes into to making it. A change was going to be made, irrespective of what was publicly stated.

But I digress. In the thick of all this is a very unhappy mom, football not soccer, playing the media card. Malzahn is in Tulsa now, Mustain at USC. Nutt bolts to Ole Miss but holds on to his $3.5 million annuity. Are you joking? Listen to Oklahoma!

With me it's all er nuthin'.
Is it all er nuthin' with you?
It cain't be "in between"
It cain't be "now and then"
No half and half romance will do!

Two days after his demise, Nutt was over at Ole Miss, putting another bundle in the bank. Ah, but the plot thickens. Clemson's Tommy Bowden boosted his package at Arkansas' expense, so to speak. Then in came Wake's Jim Grobe, who said he turned down the deal. Actually, the Arkansas Foundation Board said no dice. Now here's a doozy: Malzahn was in the thick of the coup again, rumored to be a front-runner as late as Tuesday morning. The AD tried to get Butch Davis, but Butch figured he can win more in the ACC than the SEC -- see Mack Brown.

Arkansas' new AD, Jeff Long, ended up hiring Atlanta Falcons coach Bobby Petrino, who the Hogs approached before meeting with Grobe and Bowden. At the time, Petrino's number was too high, reportedly $3 million per year. When the Grobe and Bowden options went south, Petrino was approached once again. Even before this week's Monday night game from hell and the Michael Vick sentencing, Petrino had lamented his decision to test the NFL waters. He was willing to be courted -- and the Arkansas Foundation was ready to step up to the trough and feed coach the balance of the bill.

Petrino, however, might not have the stuff the Sooeys need. Petrino can coach; he has few peers as a natural play caller. But for some reason, I can't get AirportGate out of my mind. Combine that with a management style similar to "Neutron" Nick Saban's, and it will be a difficult existence in Arkansas, a tough place to get five-star recruits to visit. If nothing else, having Petrino back in the SEC -- this time as a head coach -- will make the midfield handshakes with Auburn's Tommy Tuberville appointment TV.